Director: Peter Hyams
Starring: Penelope Ann Miller, Tom Sizemore
Year: 1997
Once upon a time, Penelope Ann Miller ruled the VHS rental shelves, with a string of 90s gems like Kindergarten Cop, Year of the Comet, Carlito’s Way, The Shadow, and The Relic. That was 1990 to 1997, and that would be all she wrote, as the saying goes, or all she acted, which would be more appropriate. Of course, she’s still a working actress, but let’s be real; she probably shouldn’t be. Her 15 minutes of fame ended with this movie, and most likely because we finally understood that she was perhaps the worst actress in Hollywood and we had all somehow been bamboozled by our own neighborhood video store.
In Brazil, a researcher discovers a dangerous secret in the jungle, and races to stop its shipment to Chicago to the museum he works for. Too late, and now back in Chicago the museum holds a gala event for a new showcase on the silly superstitions of the world. Except, this superstition is about to kill everyone at the party. Doctor Margo Green must get to the bottom of the secret, with the help of the grumpy Lieutenant D’Agosta, before the opulent fundraiser becomes a gruesome buffet.
I shouldn’t pick on Miller specifically; The Relic is horrendoes from top to bottom. It’s just that she’s so awful in it, and was so bad in everything else in the 90s too, we just didn’t see it at the time because she was some sort of It Girl, and, hey, that happens. But she wasn’t alone here; Sizemore is bizarrely bad, the plot makes very little sense, the creature is laughable, and everything is, just, so so dumb. It came out at the same time as Mimic, which is also ridiculous, but a little better perhaps, and, really, both movies make me want to watch Species, which came out first and is superior. I digress, but you would too had you just watched one of the late 90s’ worst offerings, so stay far, far away.
My rating: ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆