Movie Review – Sharknado 5: Global Swarming
Category : Movie Review
Director: Anthony C. Ferrante
I am happy to report that the train wreck that is Sharknado, the horrible spectacle that you just can’t pull your eyes away from, may finally be ending. I say this having just read “To Be Continued” across the screen and knowing that they’ll probably make #6 because what the hell do they have to lose, but in many ways the nightmare has still ended. In a movie franchise that usually attracts a ton of celebrity cameos for some unknown, god-awful reason, even most D-list celebs steered clear of this one. I didn’t recognize half of the appearances, which might partly be due to the fact that almost every female on screen was a poster-lady for Botox gone wrong lawsuits. It was a shame to see all the mutilated faces, and judging by its lack of Twitter presence and of IMDb ratings, I’d say that Global Swarming was a complete and utter disaster.
It’s hard to tell where to start, since nothing about this plot makes any damned sense. Fin, April, and their son Gil visit the Prime Minister of England, but immediately receive an emergency phone call from Nova. She and her sharknado-fighting sisterhood have uncovered an ancient relic that might be able to produce and to destroy sharknados. Problem is, retrieving it releases storms all over the world, and the entire globe is on the brink of annihilation. And what’s worse, these sharknados have a core that can teleport you to any random location, making nowhere safe to hide. Poor Gil gets sucked up in one, Fin & April must find him wherever he goes, and the world must be saved before every news host on the planet is eaten by a hammerhead shark.
Sharknado is probably the worst movie I have ever seen. Sharknado 2: The Second One was slightly better, maybe just Bottom 10 all-time, but only because it was also worse in many ways, going further over the top than anyone ever thought possible. Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! proves us all wrong, the franchise can get more ridiculous, and the sky is by no means the limit. Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens is embarrassingly bad, and I think the entire cast & crew literally lost their minds. Now we have Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, and I have to hope that this is at least the end of people watching this crap, if not the end of people making it. Every little bit got worse, if you can imagine how that might be humanly possible. Barely any credible celebrity cameos, a story that makes the other ones look like Shakespeare wrote them, and 90 minutes straight of Tara Reid screaming the most unbelievably human scream you have ever heard, until you think you might just fall over dead from pure dumbness. I can’t believe I’ve watched so many of these, and I think it might be time to stop.
My rating: ☆