Director: Rafal Zielinski
Starring: Peter Keleghan, Kent Deuters, Linda Speciale
Year: 1983
I should have known that I was in trouble when the characters of this film were named things like Purity Busch, Bootsie Goodhead, Miss Boudoir, and Jerkovski. That made it sound more like a ridiculous 70s porno than a classic high school sex romp comedy. I was hoping for something along the line of Meatballs or Porky’s, or at least a clever spoof of that genre. But what I got was 80 minutes of nonsensical story told by the worst actors in history with the occasional shot of a boob. Any attempt at a clever satire failed miserably, humor was in very short supply, and by the time the movie was over I felt dumber having watched it.
Welcome to Taft & Adams High school, or T&A for short. The boys there are always horny, the girls are usually willing, and practical jokes abound. The school is run by the prettiest & smartest girl in school, Purity, who is as virginal as she is uptight. But she makes enemies with a group of boys, getting them into trouble and into detention. For revenge, the crew make a vow to deflower Purity, or at least see her breasts. Their attempts are foiled time after time, despite their best efforts and clever tricks, but they refuse to give up. Can the boys expose Purity before Homecoming, or will she remain unobtainable forever?
There’s enough there in the summary to keep you away from this movie, right? I feel as if it’s my duty to stop anyone else from suffering as I have suffered. To be fair, I knew it was going to be insane, juvenile, silly, gratuitous, a mockery of movies, and a wild ride. But I just didn’t know it’d be so crappy. Meatballs had actual heart, Porky’s had some good depth; Screwballs is basically a bunch of adults acting like teens and running around in their underwear. There’s nothing to grab onto (no pun intended), no feeling, no acting, no anything. It’s a total waste of time, it’s not clever, it’s not funny, it’s not even a cheap thrill. It’s just a bad, bad movie that no one should be subjected to, so do yourself a favor and never watch it.
My rating: ✰