Monthly Archives: April 2021

  • -

Movie Review – The Black Cauldron

Category : Movie Review

Director: Ted Berman, Richard Rich

Starring: Grant Bardsley, Susan Sheridan, John Hurt

Year: 1985

I have so much to say about this film I might explode.  Let me begin by noting that I was & am a big fan of the Prydain Chronicles; I read them 30ish years ago, I’ve often revisited them, I’ve read them to my kids, and now my kids are reading them independently, enjoying them just as much as I did & do.  It’s a great fantasy series, building off of Lord of the Rings, as they all are, but also creating a colorful world all its own.  The characters, the quests, the villains, the magic, and at the base of it all a frightened boy who wants to be so much more than a lowly Assistant Pig Keeper; glorious.  But Disney did Lloyd Alexander a disfavor when they turned his books into an animated film, since they obviously didn’t love the source material, didn’t care if it was killed, and only wanted one thing; to turn a profit.  Well, in that case, I’m glad The Black Cauldron will always be known as one of Disney’s absolute worst.

Taran is a farmhand with almost nothing to call his own, other than duties that keep in the pen with Hen Wen, the oracular pig.  The mysterious old Dallben is Taran’s master, and sets him to a special task after Hen reveals the possibility of a dark future.  The Horned King is coming, he wants something called the Black Cauldron, and he thinks Hen Wen can foretell its location for him.  So Taran goes into hiding with the pig, finding many friends along the way: Gurgi the mangy but loyal animal, Eilonwy the talkative and beautiful girl, Fflewddur the silly old minstrel, Doli of the Fair Folk.  But when Hen is captured, all might be lost, unless the companions can find the Cauldron themselves and destroy it, before the King uses its power as a weapon to destroy the free world.

Problem One is the combining of Alexander’s first two novels, The Book of Three & The Black Cauldron, into one movie; there’s simply too much to cram in.  And it’s not like they gave us the story of both books, instead they picked the parts they liked from either and created a new tale, one that resembles the originals but doesn’t mirror them.  In this way, they were able to pull of Problem Two, which is contorting the story into a copy of Lord of the Rings; both unwise and basically impossible.  So the movie doesn’t resemble the books, gets rid of some of the best parts, and fails to pull off the magic readers once felt and wanted to feel again.  Problem Three is that co-director Richard Rich isn’t talented, we know this because he would go on to create Swan Princess and little else.  Now, I like Swan Princess (nostalgia), but it’s not great, and Black Cauldron holds that same feel, some very similar animation, and always feels like a Rich movie rather than a Disney.  With no music to bolster the action, the wheels start to fall off fast, and soon audiences are only left with scraps of cool films, not a singularly special project.  This film was the last straw before a whole new team took over, and incidentally led Disney into its Renaissance: it was time for a change, and The Black Cauldron shows us what crappy work some people turn in on their way out the door.

My rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

 


  • -

Sports – NFL 2021 Old Faces New Places

Category : Sports

The 2021 NFL season is almost here. Before we start predicting who will win what, let’s take a look at the new places that some old faces have landed during the offseason. Here are some free agents and traded players in fresh locations that might change the future of their new clubs:

 

Emmanuel Sanders – WR – Buffalo Bills

Will Fuller – WR – Miami Dolphins

Hunter Henry – TE – New England Patriots

Corey Davis – WR – New York Jets

Kevin Zeitler – OG – Baltimore Ravens

Larry Ogunjobi – DT – Cincinnati Bengals

John Johnson – S – Cleveland Browns

Dwayne Haskins – QB – Pittsburgh Steelers

Tyrod Taylor – QB – Houston Texans

Carson Wentz – QB – Indianapolis Colts

Marvin Jones – WR – Jacksonville Jaguars

Bud Dupree – LB – Tennessee Titans

Kyle Fuller – CB – Denver Broncos

Joe Thuney – OG – Kansas City Chiefs

Kenyan Drake – RB – Las Vegas Raiders

Jared Cook – TE – Los Angeles Chargers

Keanu Neal – S – Dallas Cowboys

Kenny Golladay – WR – New York Giants

Anthony Harris – S – Philadelphia Eagles

Ryan Fitzpatrick – QB – Washington Football Team

Andy Dalton – QB – Chicago Bears

Jared Goff – QB – Detroit Lions

No One – As Always – Green Bay Packers

Patrick Peterson – CB – Minnesota Vikings

Mike Davis – RB – Atlanta Falcons

Sam Darnold – QB – Carolina Panthers

Nick Vannett – TE – New Orleans Saints

Whole Team – Back Together – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

JJ Watt – DE – Arizona Cardinals

Matthew Stafford – QB – Los Angeles Rams

Alex Mack – C – San Francisco 49ers

Gabe Jackson – OG – Seattle Seahawks

 


  • -

Movie Review – Deathstalker II

Category : Movie Review

Director: Jim Wynorski

Starring: John Terlesky, Monique Gabrielle, Maria Socas

Year: 1987

Deathstalker is one of the better ridiculous 80s fantasy movies, it has since become a cult classic, but I might have to start a campaign to champion its offspring, Deathstalker II, which is almost as good as its daddy.  These films simply know how to find the amusement within a silly subset, how to entertain while poking fun at themselves, their contemporaries, us, cinema; basically, anything goes.  Some still manage to do the style completely wrong, perhaps it’s harder than it seems, but not Deathstalker Dos; it knows what it’s doing, does it well, and leaves audiences with smiles on their faces.  Success made simple.

This is not 4-years-ago’s Deathstalker; this is a new brand of hero.  DS is a clever thief, smooth with the ladies, and as infamous as he is handsome.  He falls into an extra heap of trouble, however, when he steals from the wrong person; the evil Sultana.  She wants his head, and while on the run he meets the lovely Reena, who swears she can see his fortune, and that it’s filled with glory.  It just so happens that the glory comes after he helps her regain her stolen kingdom, where she was usurped by the crafty wizard Jarek, who made a copy of Reena to sit on the vacated throne.  Deathstalker must face many perils and defeat many bad guys, but he’s sure to find himself in many warm beds with many wild woman along the way.

Jim Wynorski also directed Chopping Mall, which also starred John Terlesky.  And Maria Socas also starred in The Warrior and the Sorceress, so that’s cool, and it’s all tied together and it’s all for laughs, so enjoy a bonkers 80s blitz and don’t try too hard to outsmart your own entertainment.  Wynorski has a heck of a filmography: The Lost Empire, Chopping Mall, Death Stalker II, The Return of Swamp Thing, The Haunting of Morella, Munchie, Dinosaur Island, Gila.  He’s a b-movie legend, and Deathstalker II is a strong addition to that case.  It’s funny, it’s flippant, it’s self-deprecating, it checks all the boxes of the genre, and it does well what is much harder to do than it would look.  Plus Monique Gabrielle is an icon, and, really, so is Deathstalker; the man, the myth, the laughable legend.

My rating: ★ ★ ★ ⭐︎ ⭐︎

 


  • -

Movie Review – The Warrior and the Sorceress

Category : Movie Review

Director: John Broderick

Starring: David Carradine, Maria Socas, Luke Askew

Year: 1984

Star Wars, Beastmaster, a Western, and “Mad” Max Rockatansky all walk into a bar, and what comes out again after a few hefty drinks is The Warrior and the Sorceress, a bastardized version of much that has come before, but in a new, drunken, reality-altered light.  Another addition to the 80s fantasy genre, this film has all the whack-a-doo pieces to solidify its place as a cult gem, but relies far too heavily on its contemporaries, since it has neither the talent nor the creativity to do anything on its own but bluster, bloviate, bang about, and then fall dead.

Kain, a roving warrior who was once part of a holy order, comes to a well in the desert and desires a drink.  But this well is guarded by soldiers fighting for the the tyrant Zeg, who in turn fights against the fat Bal Caz, who desires the well for himself.  The two men control two strongholds with the spring in the middle, and their constant battle with each other for dominance has gone too far.  The people are dying, a princess has been captured, slavers make a mockery of the struggle, and all is ripe for destruction, until Kain comes to save the day.

You’ll recognize a dozen movies here, which is almost fun to do, to pick them out one by one, but that doesn’t speak to the strength of the film itself, obviously.  I do think George Miller might have picked up some of what John Broderick picked up from him, because there’s a lot of Fury Road here too, which is kinda cool, in a bonkers sort of way.  The entire story takes place in one little area around the well, that’s really smart, all the action can take place there, and it’s so dumb that it’s almost fun.  But also, it’s so ridiculously awful that you can’t allow yourself to fully like what’s going on, even if you kinda want to.  Carradine is terrible, Socas is topless, and that rest tumbles into insanity far too much, leaving this particular 80s icon a bit broken.

My rating: ★ ★ ⭐︎ ☆ ☆

 


  • -

Book Review – The Regulators

Category : Book Review

Author: Stephen King

Year: 1996

Stephen King wrote Desperation under his own name and The Regulators under a pseudonym, releasing them at the same time as a sort of experiment; which would do better, the former because King’s name had become a household word, or the latter because readers simply choose the novel they think best?  Both are based on the same idea, both use the same characters, but they are set in parallel universes, so it’s up to us to pick our favorite.  For me, there was no contest; Desperation is among the best King has ever written, while Regulators is among the very worst.

In a suburb of Columbus, Ohio, terror comes to an otherwise quiet street, as a group of space-age vans drive up and start peppering the neighborhood with gunfire, killing indiscriminately and often.  But there’s a deeper reason than just simple violence, and a darker force at work behind the mayhem.  A local woman has recently taken in her nephew, whose family was killed in a freak accident after driving through Nevada.  The young boy picked up an invisible hitchhiker there, a force older than the Earth, an evil that needs to feed and has picked this small town as his buffet.

Where Desperation tells a wonderfully complex but compact tale, Regulators fails to tell a story at all, relying instead on our foreknowledge of Tak, the evil spirit, and our desire for blood, of which there is much.  Too often, the tale isn’t even unfolded, it’s interrupted by articles, letters, journals, scripts, content that is supposed to flesh out the plot but really only delays the crappy action.  The novel is short, relatively pointless, and not well thought out, presenting death and not much else.  It’s a weak attempt and a poor experiment; King “killed off” Richard Bachman after this novel (although one more would come later, found in the attic, so to speak), and it’s a good thing he did, if this was all Rich could give us.

My rating: ★ ★ ⭐︎ ⭐︎ ⭐︎

 


  • -

Sports – 2021 MLB Predictions

Category : Sports

With free agency over, spring training behind us, and no one having any real idea how any of the clubs will actually perform, I think it’s time to make some picks.  So here they are, my 2021 MLB Way Too Under Educated Predictions:

AL East – New York Yankees

AL Central – Chicago White Sox

AL West – Los Angeles Angels

NL East – Atlanta Braves

NL Central – St. Louis Cardinals

NL West – Los Angeles Dodgers

Wild Cards

World Series