DVD Review – Mansion of Blood

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DVD Review – Mansion of Blood

Category : DVD Review

Director: Mike Donahue

Starring: Gary Busey, Robert Picardo, Ray Quiroga

Year: 2015

Mansion of Blood is the worst movie I have ever seen.  I know that’s a bold statement, but I don’t just make it in order to be dramatic or extreme, I really believe it; this movie is so awful that it deserves to be at the very bottom of any compiled list.  And I’ve seen all three Sharknado films, I understand what bad cinema looks like.  I’ve seen Surf Nazis Must Die, I’ve seen Screwballs, but as terrible as those films are at least they’re incredibly stupid on purpose.  Mansion of Blood is independently idiotic in a way I’ve never seen before, failing to even make it as a b-movie, becoming something much less & much worse.  I hope everyone involved in the production of this bomb is quite embarrassed by what they created; they should be.

The Movie

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At the Mayhew Mansion, there’s always a chance of murder, and tonight is no exception.  The manor has a checkered past, filled with evil spirits, demented killings, the twisted rich, and curses galore, making it a haunted house like no other and the stuff of legends.  It’s said you shouldn’t pass it in the dark, but recently a new family has taken up residence there, and so far only a few construction workers have died, so maybe the ghosts that loiter in the shadows there are starting to lighten up.  But maybe not, and when the wealthy Mason Murphy decides to throw a party for the entire town at his new estate, the body count might just eclipse anything that the town has ever seen before.

A trio of young men arrive at the party, as do a trio of young girls, each with crushes & connections to each other.  While they try to hook up, one of their number communicates with a spirit, beginning a terrible series of events that just might ruin the party.  And they aren’t the only ones messing with magic they don’t understand.  The event planner is cheating on his caterer wife, the hunky contractor wants to get his hands on Sarah the party-goer, a pair of old ladies next door have a sinister plot, and the full moon just keeps getting bigger & creepier by the minute.  It’s hard to tell how this will all end, but there’s one thing for sure; it won’t be nicely and it won’t be cleanly.

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I’m struggling to make sense of the nonsense I have just witnessed, like nodding your head after little kids put on a skit even though you really have no clue what just happened.  Imagine that but add fake books and faker blood.  Starting to get the picture?  That’s Mansion of Blood and it’s not pretty.  There is literally no rhyme or reason to the plot, as if every actor was allowed to make up their own scene, without a care as to whether it connects to the story of the film.  And it must have been fairly easy, since there really wasn’t any story, just a bunch of co-eds dying in every way imaginable for no apparent reason.  Zombies, midgets, hell spirits, vampires, mummies, hangings, poisonings, stabbings, burnings off of the face; die they did but die well they did not.

This truly is an embarrassment to film and a horror to watch.  From the choppy editing of nonsensical scenes to the complete lack of desire to head off in a single direction, this is a movie that lacks the brains God gave a pigeon.  Every actor seems to be trying their hardest not only to be b-quality but to lower themselves so far past that level that they become z-.  And for the 5 minutes that the film becomes a soft-core porn, complete with giant silicone breasts and pretend thrusts, the hole is dug even deeper.  Gary Busey might not really be an A-lister, but he at least must have some pride, and I challenge anyone involved in this film to feel proud of what they did.  They can’t even claim farce; it’s far worse than that.

The DVD

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Video – With an aspect ratio of 1.78:1, the video quality of this film screams “don’t watch me”.  The picture is as poor as befits a low-budget, thrown-together horror film, but that’s not even the worse part.  The special effects are disastrously delivered, with CGI blood and ludicrous monsters.  From top to bottom, the worst thing your eyes will witness this millennium.

Audio – There are no audio options on the menu of this disc nor are there any technical aspects available.  And I wouldn’t waste my time searching; it wouldn’t be worth it.  The sound & song selection are just as bad as the video, making this movie one of the lowest quality actual films you will ever see.  I don’t mean to be exaggerant; it’s that bad.

Extras – The only bonus feature available on the menu is a trailer for the film.

Final Thoughts

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Skip It.  I can’t stress this enough; Mansion of Blood is awful.  A lot of b-movies are bad, I’m sure the majority of student films are unwatchable, but this feature hits an all-time low.  Perhaps that’s because, at first, it seems like a real movie, and has a few name actors that should be able to pull off as least a passable picture.  But you quickly realize that this is barely a film at all, more like a brainstorming that someone filmed for some sadistic reason.  I can’t even imagine a cult following developing someday; there’s nothing here to love to hate.  The video is awful, the sound just as bad, and there is only one extra on the disc.  Stay away, please, I beg you.

☆ – Content

☆ ☆ – Video

☆ ☆ – Audio

☆ – Extras

☆ – Replay

 

 


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