Director: Bette Gordon
Release: May 10th, 2017
Thrillers are so cheap, but sometimes cheap thrills are what we’re looking for, I guess. These movies are a dime a dozen and yet we keep coming back for more, maybe because we always secretly enjoy the close brush with death that we can watch so safely from our living rooms. I don’t know, there’s something deeper there if you choose to work through it, but I’m pretty sure this movie isn’t worth that. It looks fine, as far as this genre goes, I like Charles enough, but Julia Stiles peaked in 10 Things.
Director: David Leveaux
Release: June 2nd, 2017
I will watch most anything from this time period, and I’ve learned to watch most anything starring Lily James, but this might be pushing the limits. Jai Courtney is bad, and I don’t want to sit through his butchering of an accent for an hour & forty-five minutes. Is the plot cool enough to watch? Given the era, perhaps, but I’m worried about the execution.
Director: Mark & Robb Cullen
Release: June 16th, 2017
I’m not sure, but I think this is supposed to be a spoof on …something. Maybe it’s a farce directed at multiple genres, I don’t know, but I do think they’re trying to be pointedly funny. Let’s assume that’s the reason this looks like the worst movie ever, that it was intentional, because, otherwise.
Director: Errol Morris
Starring: Elsa Dorfman
Release: June 2nd, 2017
This has got to be the most boring documentary ever filmed. Who is this lady and why should I care about what she has to say? I know they’ll try to tell me over the course of 70 minutes, but I also know that I don’t care.
Director: Greg McLean
There are two types of moviegoers in this world, those that want to see Daniel Radcliffe in Jungle and those who want to see Daniel Radcliffe in Swiss Army Man. Count me in the latter group, that’s what I watch, that’s what I enjoy. Now, I can appreciate a tricked-in-the-woods, gotta-survive type of film, but I definitely would prefer a quirky story over a true one, at least in this scenario. Ol’ Harry is a good actor, I just don’t trust this or really want to watch it.
Director: Matthew Vaughn
Release: September 29th, 2017
I liked the first in this surprising franchise much more than I thought I might, reminding me that you can always be wrong, even when you’re sure you won’t be. Kingsman was pure entertainment, and I can hardly wait for the 2nd one. The first trailer was just a teaser, now we have the real thing, and I am excited.
Director: Brendan Muldowney
Release: August 11th, 2017
This movie looks like nothing more than a Hammer of the Gods– or Sword of Vengeance-type film, just with a few b-list actors thrown in to trick us into watching. It doesn’t look like an actual drama, more like a History Channel original masquerading as something more. Maybe it’s simply a terrible trailer, maybe someone needs fired, but I don’t trust it. Tom Holland needs to stay far away from things like this and focus on being Spider-Man.
Director: Antonio Negret
This director specializes in episodes of literally the worst television shows in modern times. The Flash, Lethal Weapon, Arrow, MacGyver, Scorpion; my god. Now he wants to make a comically over-actioned heist film? I’m not sure if that makes me more angry or if it’s the fact that people will actually watch it, because they sure watch bad TV. The cherry on the top is Scott Eastwood’s terrible acting, which can’t even be masked by Ana de Armas’ extreme hotness.